How to feel heiter by nurturing your connection with others

Are you ever tempted to think of “heiter” as a luxury, or alovely optional extra, rather than a necessity? It’s easy to slip into this way of thinking about the things that add joy to your life. However, as we’ve all been forced to realise recently, as soon as you encounter a challenge—whether that’s a global pandemic, bereavement, job loss, relationship struggles, or health issues—those “little” things that bring you joy are actually not so little after all, but can be a lifeline during hard times.

One of the things that never fails to make me heiter is a sense of deep and meaningful connection with people that I love and trust. I’m writing this just a few weeks after a sudden family bereavement; my sister lost her life partner, a man who was a brother and dear friend to me, as well as being the source of much of my sister’s happiness and peace.

I’m not sure how we would get through this terribly difficult time without feeling connected to our support network. I’m more grateful than ever for all the time and energy we’ve put into our relationships during better times, so that that connection can be here now to hold us in our pain, without feeling forced. 

Whether or not you’re going through a tough time yourself right now, being intentional about nurturing deep connection with the important people in your life is a powerful way to care for yourself in the here and now, as well as creating plenty of heiter moments in the future, no matter what might come your way. In the joys, sorrows, and everything in between of your life, connection with others will make the good times even better, as well as carrying you through the pain. 

Here are a few ideas to help you nurture connection in a way that feels sustainable, and can work for your unique life circumstances.

Stay focused on your inner circle

As an extrovert with people-pleasing tendencies, I can fall into the trap of thinking I can be friends with everyone, and I’m often tempted to try and be all things to all people. This can be a very overwhelming way to live, and also means you can’t be there for the people who rely on you the most in as much depth as you’d like, because you’re stretched too thin.

Over the years, I’ve learned that I can have meaningful relationships and connection with lots of people, while also protecting my own energy and wellbeing, by implementing good boundaries and being aware of who my “inner circle” is. These are the people—family members and close friends—who I’m in a close, mutually self-giving relationship with, the people who I’d call or who would call me in an emergency or moment of celebration. 

There’s no ideal number for your inner circle, but it’s important for this to be a manageable sized group, so be realistic about what feels right to you and the amount of energy you have to pour into relationships. 

If you find that it feels rather cold to categorise the people in your life this way, just remember that having an inner circle doesn’t mean you can’t have plenty of other meaningful relationships beyond that group. It also doesn’t mean that those groups are inflexible or that relationships can’t shift and evolve over time. It just means that you know where to focus your attention and expectations, while holding it all lightly and allowing plenty of room for things to change. 

Accept and celebrate relationships for what they are

When you’re really intentional about figuring out which relationships are priorities, and have invested time and energy into getting to know people and letting them know and really see you, you’ll become aware what you can realistically offer each other. 

You’ll also become aware of the limitations of some relationships over time, and that’s okay too; in fact, it can be really freeing to know those limitations, so you don’t end up expecting too much of people. Perhaps you have a friend who is great at providing practical support, but isn’t always up for more deep and emotional conversations. Or, a friend who is great when you’re together, but not good at staying in touch long distance. When my children were born, for example, I appreciated how wonderful it is to have friends with different strengths and weaknesses; some who feel comfortable hanging out with you and the baby, some who’ll encourage you to reconnect with your pre-baby self and enjoy some time away from nappies and sleep schedules. 

Knowing what to expect of people can help you accept and celebrate different relationships for what they are, and prevent you from needless frustration. If you have an intimate circle of supportive friends you can rely on, it doesn’t matter if other relationships feel more surface level or temporary. 

Explore different ways of being in touch, until you find one that works for both of you 

If your friend is always writing to you using Facebook messenger, but you only log on a couple of times a year and when you do you forget to check your private messages, you’re not going to have much luck connecting.

Have a play around with different communications styles, for example setting up a re-occurring Skype date, sending each other voice notes, emails, or even old-fashioned letters. Ask each other what makes the other person feel loved or overwhelmed. For example, I tend to get inbox overwhelm and have several hundred unread emails, and my evenings tend to get overbooked and I’m always tired once my kids are in bed, so phone calls can be hard to arrange, whereas I find it easy and fun to exchange voice notes, postcards, and WhatsApp messages. 

Finding common areas of interest can be another great way to nurture your connection with someone; maybe you both love music and can exchange playlists, or perhaps you’re both bookworms and can take it in turns to suggest a different book to each other and then set up a catch up phone call to talk about them.

Find ways to remember what matters to them (and make it easy for them to do the same for you)

Paying attention to the little details that are important to the person you’re nurturing connection with is a great way to deepen your bond. Remembering to send a text to let someone know you’re thinking about them the morning of an important presentation or job interview, or reaching out on an anniversary shows people that you really care about them. 

There are so many little, easy ways to do this, for example keeping an up to date address book so you can look up a loved one’s address and surprise them with post every now and again, making a note of people’s dietary needs and preferences in the margins of your recipe books, and putting reminders on your phone to get in touch with a loved one when an important day for them is approaching. Keeping a special calendar just for marking birthdays and important anniversaries and dates for your friends is another easy way to remember those important details and nurture connection.

I always feel so loved when someone remembers the anniversary of my dad’s death, for example, and reaches out to let me know they’re thinking of me. I want to be the kind of observant friend who does that for my closest friends and family. 

Remember that sharing with others is an invitation

Sometimes, especially when we’re going through very hard times, reaching out for connection can feel selfish. We can worry about burdening someone else with our bad news or difficult feelings. But how many times do we fall into the trap of hoping others will be proactive and reach out to us to show us that they care, while the other person is secretly longing for connection but is feeling shy to reach out to us?

In the context of a trust-based relationship that you’ve chosen to invest in, opening up and sharing the joys and sorrows of your life with someone can be a beautiful invitation to them to share their ups and downs with you in return. Not everyone will be open to that invitation, but in my experience discovering a deep soul-connection with someone is one of life’s greatest joys, and worth every ounce of potential discomfort or awkwardness as you seek it out and nurture it.

Words & image: Sophie Caldecott

Sophie Caldecott is a writer living in a cosy cottage on the edge of the moor in the South-West of England. She explores themes of connection, empathy, and all the things that make life worth living in her work.

Nurturing connections is an important part of The Heiter Society, our exclusive membership.

By introducing The Heiter Society we, here are heiter, have tried to expand our reader’s experience by offering alternative ways of finding joy. By organising workshops, co-working and networking sessions, we offer them an online haven where they can try out new creative and mindful activities and connect with like-minded people.

Sounds interesting? Then we’re inviting you to join now and instantly benefit from monthly workshops, a lovely community and depending on your level, advertising opportunities for your independent business. Discover all details here.

The doors to the society are open until the end of February 2023 and might stay closed for the rest of the year. In case you wonder, all sessions are recorded and can be re-visited in your own time, the payments are monthly and you can cancel your membership whenever you wish.

How to discern whether or not your intuition is making your decisions

5 Exercises for Tuning-In To Your Intuition

‘Let your intuition guide you’ — I’m sure we’ve all heard some variation or other of this at some point.

But I can’t begin to accurately capture the frustration I’ve often felt in response to vague suggestions such as these.

How am I supposed to be able to discern where a decision is arriving from in my body? How am I to know if there are outside or cultural forces at work guiding me, influencing me?

Ugh, see? Frustrating.

Thankfully, as someone with a tendency to overthink (as you may have already keenly deciphered), I’ve had a great deal of practice when it comes to drowning out the hum of irrelevant + distracting thoughts.

And here are some of the methods I’ve found most useful:

1. Go to Your Island

This technique is one from my childhood, and therefore one of my most tried + tested approaches. It was employed many times by my mother (a great source of wisdom in my life), when I was struggling with a decision.

The trick is to close your eyes and ‘go to your island,’ as my mother would say. It doesn’t actually have to be an island; personally I prefer a small wooded forest. But the point is to go somewhere in your mind where you are completely removed from your current surroundings. It’s just you. Then allow yourself to make the decision in that scenario.

It is important to note that often a decision becomes very clear, very quickly when we take a moment to really remove distractions from the equation.  And the distraction we are removing in this situation is often other people.

So, if you find that you’re struggling to make a decision, but when you get to your island there is a very obvious one waiting for you, it may be that you are being largely influenced by the opinions, perceptions, and ideas of others. And it is safe to say, those are not the thoughts of your intuition.

Because your intuition is what’s waiting for you on the island.

2. Meditate

There are many different opinions surrounding meditation. Some people find it rather difficult, while others have made it part of their daily routine.

Personally, despite it quickly becoming a ‘trend,’ I genuinely find intentional periods of quiet meditation to be some of the most transformative and insightful moments of my week.  Meditation allows us to bring a state of peace + clarity to our bodies from which we can reconnect with our authentic, internal thoughts + hopes.

I am not disciplined enough to make it a part of my daily routine (which may have something to do with my lack of a consistent routine to begin with…), but it is often the first method I turn to when I am struggling to decipher the desires or insights of my intuitive self.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to commit to meditating without any assistance, so if you are starting out or you’re quick to fall down a rabbit hole of your own thoughts (like myself), I’d recommend a guided meditation.

Tara Mohr has a wonderful one for meeting your inner mentor.  I have also just released one to my community of ‘cunning folk,’ which you can access here.

3. Write It Out

If visualisations + meditations aren’t your thing, journaling may be the method for you.

I often find that I articulate myself far better in writing than I do in speech. Sometimes, when I am unclear as to how I feel about a certain event or circumstance, I take a moment to write out all of my thoughts on the matter.

In doing so, I force myself to take the swirling, jumbled mass of feelings + tangents and organise them into neat (ish)  sentences. In doing so, I’m able to really sit with the different levels of thoughts and feelings. And once I’m done, I’m able to read over what I’ve written, and I often walk away with a much deeper sense of self-awareness + understanding as a result.

Sometimes, I even surprise myself.

There’s even an exercise referred to as ‘stream of consciousness writing’ in which the idea is to write to record multitudinous thought in its purest form. So, essentially, you write each and every thought without edits or judgement. Virginia Woolf narrated novels with this technique, and I know some people who swear by it.

Personally, I prefer to stick to the whole ask myself a question + attempt to answer it technique. But that’s because I find the idea of trying to record my overly-tangential thoughts quite daunting.

4. Ask

Sometimes, we can’t visualise clearly, and we simply don’t want to or can’t bring ourselves to write.

In this scenario, I advise asking. But here is the key: don’t ask for response of the other person, ask for the response in you.

When you ask your friend, “which one do you like best?” you often already have an opinion in mind, and you’re hoping she agrees with you. In that split second before she answers, there’s a gut feeling that presents itself. A notion of sorts, that’s trying to tell you what you want. Sometimes it arrives a little late, either in the form of disappointment or elation in response to someone’s answer. This is your intuition trying to speak to you. Listen.

Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be a person that you’re asking!

A method I was given by a creative writing professor is to use your ‘voice notes app’ on your phone to record yourself speaking, and just start talking. Similar to writing down your thoughts, speaking about them can often lead to insightful revelations.

5. Just Go  

When all else fails, just go.

Go to that sacred hideaway that speaks to your heart. Go on a walk. Go to the mountains. To the ocean. To a new town, city, country.

It doesn’t matter, just go.

Sometimes all we need to reconnect with ourselves and our roots is to get out of our routines + our heads and reconnect with the world around us and the joy there is to be found there.

There is nothing that could ever substitute the preciousness + sacredness of my outdoor walks. Something about fresh air + solitude is fundamentally healing.

So when all else fails — Just. Go.

Now, I hope these exercises will help you in getting in touch with your intuition. And if you don’t mind, I’d like to leave you with one final note on why it is so important that we connect with our intuition + let it make decisions in the first place.

‘Intuition’ by definition is: a direct perception of truth, fact, etc., independent of any reasoning process; immediate apprehension*.

Therefore intuitive knowledge is that which we know in our bones to be true without needing any evidence to prove it.  It is removed from all potential distractions, and it is completely and wholly authentic to us and our unique Vision of the world and our Purpose within it.

Therefore, when we live guided by our intuition, we act in alignment with this Vision + Purpose, and I believe that this is the only way to achieve truly, joyfully authentic + fulfilling lives. Lives chalk-full of precious ‘heiter’ moments.

So whether you’re considering the next step in your business, or trying to evaluate the importance or potential of certain relationships, I hope you will take the time + intentionality to check in with your intuition and let it lead.

Because, dear one, all the answers you seek are already within you.

Here’s to stepping into our inner knowledge,

x.

Emmeline

Words & images: Emmeline Bramble

Emmeline Bramble is a verbal + visual apothecary empowering the ‘cunning folk,’ the brave creative spirits of today, to embrace and embody their most authentic and fulfilling work + life by following their unique intuitive knowledge. Through personalised mentorship, design, and copy services, she assists the wild women in developing the narrative of their creative ideas into one with the power to craft not only a business but a lifestyle that is aesthetically compelling + intuitively aligned.

*thank you dictionary.com