If you are one of the heiter newsletter subscribers, you might remember that only a few months back I had reached a point where I found it hard to find my own heiter moments. With two kids at home, several sick days (for both my kids, but also my husband and I) and hardly any time for my work and myself, I found myself worn out, de-motivated and lonely. The work/life routine I had created when we only had one kid was gone - which meant no more hot drinks in peace, baths, listening to audiobooks whilst tidying up the house and consistent working hours (for those of you who don’t know me: I love work and all the creativity that comes with it. I don’t need much of it but if I can’t do it at all, I don’t feel like myself). Due to a new living situation, we didn’t have the privacy we were used to. My husband and I seemed to have no time for ourselves anymore and seeing friends was rare. As a result of all of the above, I found myself feeling physically and mentally drained.

At the beginning of the year I set myself a goal: I wanted to find more heiter moments again. I’ve always been a firm believer that Heiterkeit (which is German for joy/the noun that comes with heiter) is attainable. Also, it comes with far lower expectations (therefore less pressure), and it is personal and unique: Heiterkeit depends fully on an individual and the situation they are in. For some reason I had forgotten that in my own life. I was upset, worn out and mourned the heiter moments I managed to integrate into my everyday before we had two kids and lived in our previous home. I wanted to get out of that rut. After some reflecting and re-evaluating I realised that re-defining my heiter moments and making them fit for my new situation could be the solution I was looking for. It worked! However, that meant lowering my expectations (even more), acceptance of more imperfections in my life and letting go off some of the things that usually bring me comfort. Here are a few examples of how that now looks:

The peaceful cup of coffee that I used to enjoy by myself is now a simple cup of coffee - often made by my husband so that I can sip it (quickly) whilst the kids wake up and take over our bed.
Longer baths (that I had now and then when kid one was at daycare) are now replaced with quick showers when the baby naps. They only take few minutes but I make an effort to use products that I love and are good for my body. That way I get the best out of these few minutes.
I get dressed! I make sure to do so in clothes that I love and bring me joy. This little routine keeps me connected to my inner self, and it reminds me that I am still Kiki, the girl that used to work in fashion and had fun with her clothes (even though I am a mum in her mid thirties now). I document my daily looks and share them in the stories of my personal IG profile if you’d like to have look.
Phones away during dinner: that way I can catch up and connect with my husband, even on the days where we don’t have any time to ourselves.
I try and meet a friend for coffee or lunch once a week (and just take the baby along). I often combine that with going to a cafe or restaurant I always wanted to visit. Now and then that coffee out is replaced with an online coffee date which is fun too. That way I can catch up with friends/business pals that do not live close by.
I planned a festival themed birthday weekend away with a few close friends and my family (see photo). I am aware that that is not something everyone can do but I really wanted to do it and made it work.
I ignore the endless piles of washing around me as much as I can.
I work with an app that allows me to plan and cook healthy meals for myself and my family. I can create shopping lists with that app too. That way I still get to cook (which is something I enjoy) but I don’t spend lots of time on it.
My husband takes the kids out for two hours a week so that I can work a bit. My aunt watches the kids for an hour on Tuesdays so that I can join a group coaching call - and I make an effort to join all heiter sessions (which are workshops and gatherings for our readers), even if that means bringing the baby along. All of that helps me to continue focusing on my business.

My life often feels chaotic and messy but as you can see in the examples above, I’ve managed to take what I’ve got and find Heiterkeit in it. I know that this phase in my life won’t last forever and that there will be times where I will have the chance to add more (and longer) heiter moments to my everyday again. Right now, I am trying to be grateful for what I’ve got and fully enjoy it. It has made such a big difference and I am happier again. I have more energy. Last but not least, I am kinder to myself which allows me to be closer to the mum, wife, business owner and friend I want to be.

What I would like to say by sharing the above? No matter the situation you’re currently in, you can find Heiterkeit. Life is an unexpected journey and we never know what it will throw at us. We can however, be open to the fact that joy is achievable and that it is round the corner if we invite it in. We can shift our focus and celebrate the things that bring us joy, even though there is chaos around us. Joy can look different and might not work the same way for each phase of our lives but it exists and we can find it. We just have to be willing to adapt, lean into what we’ve got and fully embrace it. If I can do it, you can do it too.

Be heiter!

Katharina Geissler-Evans is the founder & editor-in-chief of heiter. If Katharina doesn’t write, curate and talk about all things heiter, she spends a great deal of her time with community work, advocating for sustainable fashion choices and exploring different aspects of joyful living. Katharina, who describes herself as “a multi-passionate creative”, lives with her husband and their two kids in an old farmhouse in Austria.

Image by tobetold

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Self-love is more than just bubble baths, it’s more than a cute slogan on a t-shirt or a snazzy present to yourself. It’s a slow journey filled with understanding who you are, who you were and who you will be - and like all relationships it’s a constant work in progress.

Unfortunately that isn’t the story we’ve been sold. Self-love in the digital age looks like marriage with kids, doctored selfies, jet-setter holidays, luxury apartments and a full bank account. What if I told you that where you are right now is enough, what you’re starting with right now is enough? You probably wouldn’t believe me, and that’s okay. However, by the end of this article, I hope to have changed your mind. Self-love is free to incorporate into your life, but it does take determination and perseverance to not go back to that old relationship with yourself.

It is not vain to love yourself and see all the pieces. It is not narcissistic either. It’s a necessary part to building a healthy life, and all the elements that go hand in hand with that.

What I want you to do with these practices is to see and make peace with all the parts of yourself, and then slowly - over time - fall in love with yourself. Because you’re worth it, and if anyone should end up feeling lucky enough to spend the rest of their life with you - it should be yourself x

CHANGE YOUR PRIMARY VOICE

What does the conversation in your head sound like? Often, your default primary voice is the voice of a critical figure in your childhood. You probably go about your day being told a string of sentences that featured heavily in your life when you were growing up, none of them were true then and none of them are true now.

Your primary voice should be a comforting support system, the one voice in your life that cheers you on when you succeed and helps you continue when things are tough. It doesn’t ask anything in return, but it does require you to constantly push that critical voice into silence and pull that kinder one forward. If you struggle thinking of someone who supported you as a child, imagine your older self talking to your younger self and think of the words you’d have liked to have heard. Then talk to yourself with those words, all day every day.

Have your primary tell you it’s going to be okay, even when it feels like it’s not. Have it tell you how amazing you look even when your nose is all bunged up with hayfever. Have it tell you you’re doing great, even when you just got the answer wrong. Have it tell you it loves you, even on the days you feel unlovable.

Change your primary voice, it will change your life.

DATE YOURSELF

We spend a lot of our lives focusing on getting into, cultivating and continuing romantic relationships. They’re all over the media we consume, from the films we grew up on as children to the stories we now read, the adverts that sell us cars/perfume/sofas, and it’s usually the first question we get asked when we meet up with our closest friends.

Dating is the first step in the game of love, and you’re considered lucky if you can still say that you feel like you’re dating your partner a year on, let alone twenty years on. I’m going to argue that other people aren’t the only individuals we need to date, cultivate and continue the romance with. We need to do that with ourselves too.

So much of the time we spend in a relationship is wasted expecting someone else to be able to know how to love us. In fact most of us will often use other relationships as a crutch for the one we have with ourselves; dating yourself is the first step away from that crutch.

Walk out into the world and treat yourself to your favourite thing once a week that you would want a partner to treat you to. Watch a show, take a trip somewhere new, dress up and dance in your kitchen, eat in your favourite cafe. Whatever you look for someone else to do for you in a relationship, do it for yourself first so that you know how to love yourself and you know what to ask for when someone else asks how love you too.

SMILE

Every day you see yourself in the mirror. When you clean your teeth, when you stand in the changing room, when you go to the toilet at work, when you pass the bakery at lunch, when you fix your hair in your phone camera.

You’re everywhere you go, and unfortunately most people, (especially women) feel uncomfortable with their reflection. So every day I want you to wake up and the first thing I want you to do when you see yourself in a mirror, is to smile at yourself. Every day when you wake up, that’s the first thing you do. Smile even if you don’t want to, even if it feels silly.

We always smile when we see people we love; be they friends, family, pets, partners. And we think they’re beautiful when they smile back; we feel happy to see them, and we know that they are also happy to see us. So smile at yourself, because somewhere inside of you is a kid who’s a little bit hurt, a little bit unsure and all they want is to see you smile - so they know that you’re happy to see them too.

You can find Alexandra on Instagram @solemniko and every other week on her podcast Notes From A Small Room (having the self-love conversations they won’t put on a t-shirt). Alexandra is a writer, artist, coach and creator of the How We Came To Be Project initiaitve. You can find resources on her website for journaling and building a healthy, loving relationship with yourself; as well as business and creative services.

Image: tobetold (for heiter)

Choosing joy: little steps to help find my way back to Heiterkeit

Building self-love: 3 daily practices