Choosing joy: little steps to help find my way back to Heiterkeit

If you are one of the heiter newsletter subscribers, you might remember that only a few months back I had reached a point where I found it hard to find my own heiter moments. With two kids at home, several sick days (for both my kids, but also my husband and I) and hardly any time for my work and myself, I found myself worn out, de-motivated and lonely. The work/life routine I had created when we only had one kid was gone - which meant no more hot drinks in peace, baths, listening to audiobooks whilst tidying up the house and consistent working hours (for those of you who don’t know me: I love work and all the creativity that comes with it. I don’t need much of it but if I can’t do it at all, I don’t feel like myself). Due to a new living situation, we didn’t have the privacy we were used to. My husband and I seemed to have no time for ourselves anymore and seeing friends was rare. As a result of all of the above, I found myself feeling physically and mentally drained. 

At the beginning of the year I set myself a goal: I wanted to find more heiter moments again. I’ve always been a firm believer that Heiterkeit (which is German for joy/the noun that comes with heiter) is attainable. Also, it comes with far lower expectations (therefore less pressure), and it is personal and unique: Heiterkeit depends fully on an individual and the situation they are in. For some reason I had forgotten that in my own life. I was upset, worn out and mourned the heiter moments I managed to integrate into my everyday before we had two kids and lived in our previous home. I wanted to get out of that rut. After some reflecting and re-evaluating I realised that re-defining my heiter moments and making them fit for my new situation could be the solution I was looking for. It worked! However, that meant lowering my expectations (even more), acceptance of more imperfections in my life and letting go off some of the things that usually bring me comfort. Here are a few examples of how that now looks:

• The peaceful cup of coffee that I used to enjoy by myself is now a simple cup of coffee - often made by my husband so that I can sip it (quickly) whilst the kids wake up and take over our bed.

• Longer baths (that I had now and then when kid one was at daycare) are now replaced with quick showers when the baby naps. They only take few minutes but I make an effort to use products that I love and are good for my body. That way I get the best out of these few minutes.

• I get dressed! I make sure to do so in clothes that I love and bring me joy. This little routine keeps me connected to my inner self, and it reminds me that I am still Kiki, the girl that used to work in fashion and had fun with her clothes (even though I am a mum in her mid thirties now). I document my daily looks and share them in the stories of my personal IG profile if you’d like to have look.

• Phones away during dinner: that way I can catch up and connect with my husband, even on the days where we don’t have any time to ourselves.

• I try and meet a friend for coffee or lunch once a week (and just take the baby along). I often combine that with going to a cafe or restaurant I always wanted to visit. Now and then that coffee out is replaced with an online coffee date which is fun too. That way I can catch up with friends/business pals that do not live close by.

• I planned a festival themed birthday weekend away with a few close friends and my family (see photo). I am aware that that is not something everyone can do but I really wanted to do it and made it work. 

• I ignore the endless piles of washing around me as much as I can.

• I work with an app that allows me to plan and cook healthy meals for myself and my family. I can create shopping lists with that app too. That way I still get to cook (which is something I enjoy) but I don’t spend lots of time on it.

• My husband takes the kids out for two hours a week so that I can work a bit. My aunt watches the kids for an hour on Tuesdays so that I can join a group coaching call - and I make an effort to join all heiter sessions (which are workshops and gatherings for our readers), even if that means bringing the baby along. All of that helps me to continue focusing on my business.

My life often feels chaotic and messy but as you can see in the examples above, I’ve managed to take what I’ve got and find Heiterkeit in it. I know that this phase in my life won’t last forever and that there will be times where I will have the chance to add more (and longer) heiter moments to my everyday again. Right now, I am trying to be grateful for what I’ve got and fully enjoy it. It has made such a big difference and I am happier again. I have more energy. Last but not least, I am kinder to myself which allows me to be closer to the mum, wife, business owner and friend I want to be.

What I would like to say by sharing the above? No matter the situation you’re currently in, you can find Heiterkeit. Life is an unexpected journey and we never know what it will throw at us. We can however, be open to the fact that joy is achievable and that it is round the corner if we invite it in. We can shift our focus and celebrate the things that bring us joy, even though there is chaos around us. Joy can look different and might not work the same way for each phase of our lives but it exists and we can find it. We just have to be willing to adapt, lean into what we’ve got and fully embrace it. If I can do it, you can do it too.

Be heiter!

Katharina Geissler-Evans is the founder & editor-in-chief of heiter. If Katharina doesn’t write, curate and talk about all things heiter, she spends a great deal of her time with community work, advocating for sustainable fashion choices and exploring different aspects of joyful living. Katharina, who describes herself as “a multi-passionate creative”, lives with her husband and their two kids in an old farmhouse in Austria.

Image by tobetold

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Calm after the storm: anxiety and how to find relief from it

I believe that human beings are a lot like the weather, with our own internal ‘seasons’ that fluctuate day by day, moment by moment.  Outside circumstances can be seen as upsetting our balance, but it is in fact our thoughts that can cause the cyclones in our heads, regardless of what is happening in the outside world.  We all experience tumultuous times, and the thoughts we have in response to these events determine how we feel.  Anxious, fearful, and overwhelming thoughts are like clouds passing through an internal sky which cover the ‘sun’ that is always there, but so easy to forget.  This internal ‘sunshine’ is our innate wisdom that resides in us all, even if it seems invisible for a while.  

This sounds like an oversimplified view of the world, but it’s what helped me through one of the worst storms of my life.  

From the outside, my life seemed sorted; I had a successful business, good friends, a busy social life, and I was living in one of the UK’s most vibrant cities.  I was in my mid-30s and had been single for five years, dating on and off, looking for love.  But, inside, I felt lost.  Friends were settling down and as the years went by, I found myself feeling more and more alone.

But, in the Autumn of 2014 my life was set to change when I met the most wonderful man.  A kind, loving and compassionate man who is now my husband and who I am grateful for every day.  However, six months after meeting him, my world came crashing down…seemingly out of nowhere.  I began to experience intense anxiety and OCD type thinking, like nothing I’d ever known.  I am a sensitive soul and have always been an overthinker and worrier, but this was a whole new level, and I broke down.  Looking back, I think unresolved issues around confidence and self-worth had been bubbling up for a long time and the floodgates just burst, despite the good things that were happening in my life.  I felt like I was sinking and didn’t know how to come up for air.  I certainly couldn’t see the sunshine inside of me, the clouds had completely obscured my view.  

However, despite the terror I was feeling inside, there was a gentle whisper speaking to me, which I now understand to be my inner wisdom and resilience.  Some days it would just tell me to get out of bed and eat something, or to get some sleep, other days it quietly whispered to me to get some fresh air and sit listening to the birds.  My own wisdom also thought it would be a good idea to seek support from my GP and a CBT counsellor, which I did.   I also began reading books by others who had experienced their own mental health struggles, including authors Bryony Gordon and Matt Haig.  I am eternally grateful for their openness and honesty as it made me feel less alone.  I researched anxiety and how it affects the body and I learnt techniques to calm my racing mind, one of the most important being mindful breathing

During this time, my energy levels were at an all-time low as I battled with my mind day after day, and I was forced to slow down and retreat.  By this time, I had moved in with my husband and we were living in the countryside with nature all around.  Our garden was teaming with wildlife and just watching birds, bees and butterflies go about their day was beautifully grounding.  Slow and simple tasks became the norm, as they were all I could manage, although I did keep working throughout this time to give me some routine.  I had gone from being a very sociable person to somewhat of a recluse, but it was what I needed at the time, and that was OK.

As with wildlife in nature, when harsh weather hits, I too had begun to hibernate for this ‘season’ of my life, which brought to mind Katharine May’s beautiful book ‘Wintering’ in which she talks about the power of rest and retreat during difficult times, and this was exactly what my wisdom was calling me to do.  

As the months passed and the seasons changed, I started to realise that I was still here, getting up each day and functioning, even if differently to before.  I started to recognise my own strength and resilience and began to better understand what was happening in my body when my thoughts were racing, and adrenaline kicked in.

With the support of my CBT counsellor, medication and my own self-care practices, I slowly began to emerge from the eye of the storm.   This emergence brought with it a greater appreciation for nature and the ebb and flow of life.  I had become an apprentice in riding the waves of life, even if I hadn’t mastered the ability to ‘surf’ completely.  I began to appreciate more clearly what it is to be human, which gave me greater compassion for myself and others.  

I learnt that we all have a certain capacity for stress which can be viewed as a ‘stress jar’.  If we keep filling this jar, without regular outlets for self-care and wellbeing (exercise, meditation, sleep, spending time with those we love, enjoying activities that bring us joy), the jar will overflow, and stress will peak resulting in burnout and breakdown.

Nature has become my greatest teacher and reminds me that just like the weather, my anxious thoughts, and the uncomfortable feelings that accompany them settle on their own, given time.  Our thoughts fluctuate moment by moment, and we can observe these without judgement and let them pass.  It’s important to remember that we are not our thoughts or our mental health struggles…the storm does eventually pass, even if only temporarily, so we can take the next step forward.  Spending time in nature and green spaces has also been proven to lower stress levels and is a wonderful way to nurture and ground ourselves. 

I still live with anxiety today and it’s something I’ve had to learn to manage.  It’s my Achilles’ heel and is worse when I’m tired and stressed.  But it’s also a useful internal alarm system that reminds me when it’s time to slow down and take more care of myself.   Taking time for life’s simple pleasures, and activities that make us happy has also been important.  I’m now a mum and just sitting chatting with my daughter brings me so much joy.  

I’m pleased to say that with time and patience, my inner sunshine did rise again, and even though the storm clouds still bubble up sometimes, there is a tranquil haven on the horizon that I try and turn my head towards more often these days with soothing self-care and time spent outside.

Here are some ideas for finding relief from anxiety:

• Take a walk in the woods – spending time amongst trees can bring a sense of calm

• Find things to see, hear, taste, smell, and touch, like grass under your feet or the feeling of wind and sunlight

• Hang a bird feeder outside a window or in the garden and sit birdwatching for a while

• Watch out for wildlife: spend time in the countryside or visit a local park to look for wildlife

• Try some paced breathing – breathing in for 4 seconds and out for 6 seconds – try this for 3 minutes

• Get quiet and listen to a meditation on a free app such as Insight Timer or Smiling Mind

• Seek help from a professional if you are struggling

Emma Coxon is a writer and Founder of the blog Little Piece of Wonderand creator of online course ‘Little Piece of Wonder Everyday’. Her writing focuses on the natural world and how learning to slow down and notice the little things around us every day are good for mental health and physical wellbeing. You can also find Emma on Instagram here.